Celibacy is one thing after a long relationship, yet jumping back into the dating game after having been to the altar is rather different. There will be some important guidelines to follow in order to gain a successful return to the world of dating as well as mating. Fact is, dating after divorce is complicated, particularly for parents whose children still live at home. And, because every situation is different, there will be no “one size fits all” timeline to apply. Actually, what was right for your friend might not be the same approach which is right for you. That is why VKool.com gives you some necessary steps to take to prepare your own and also your kids for the transition.
I. How To Start Dating After Divorce – When It The Right Time?
If you are divorced and have ended a long-term relationship, well-meaning friends and relatives might encourage you to begin dating again soon. However, how will you know when you are ready for a new relationship? The truth is, this seems wildly varies from person to person. Getting to the point where you know that you are ready is different for individual. Yet, there are still several common indicators you had better look for before you consider dating after divorce.
1. You Divorce Is Final
You should not start dating during the separation. That is because this is more difficult on your children, who still get used to the idea that you get divorced, but it will be also potentially be used to against your court.
2. Go By Your Own Feelings, Not The Calendar
Some people are willing to date after 2 months while other people might need years. Thus, you should not rush. It is really important to experience the feelings associated with divorce. Just simply give yourself a proper amount of time to think, a little time to grieve and a little chance to find someone else.
3. Your Anger Has Dissipated
In fact, it is not realistic for people who have just gotten divorced to expect that their anger should be gone entirely before they start dating again. Yet, they should put dating after divorce on hold till after they have experienced a huge range of negative feelings and emotions associated with grief. The emotions contain guilt, denial, loneliness, anger, and depression, disorganization and numbness. Now, if you are still feeling angry that you could not grieve the relationship or you still keep in mind anything good about your ex, you might be not ready to date once again.
4. You Are Ready To Build A New Life
Actually, recovering from divorce is considered as a chance to recreate your new life. It might not be a chance you would have opted for yourself, yet it is a fact that you have to adjust to. At some poins, dating might be part of the new life you will build. Yet, dating should not be the initial step taken. Rather than, you should give yourself a little time to rediscover who you really are and what your wants in life are, potentially, from the upcoming dating relationship.
Transforming from one relationship to another, even if they previous relationship was not healthy at all, might cause people to fall back into the similar patterns you want to escape from.
5. The Ex Factor
If you still think about your ex, about what he or she is doing or whom he or she is dating with, you are too distracted to start a new healthy relationship. Some individuals date and even marry to try to prove something for their ex. You would not date someone else who is still tangled up with the ex emotionally. So, why you offer that to other people?
Recommend reading: how to pull your ex back
6. Ask You Self That If You Are Open To New Experiences Or Not
In case you were in the long-term, committed relationship for such a long time, then the idea of starting a new romance might seem scary. Once you are ready to try other activities that can bring you out of the comfort zone, then you might be ready to date.
II. How To Start Dating After Divorce – 3 Mistakes To Avoid
Whether you have already started dating after divorce, or you are going to take the plunge, chances are good that you are about to be tempted to give in to these 3 behaviors that might sabotage either your own ability to move on from the old marriage, or seriously decrease the chance you will be able to find the wonderful new man or woman. It is necessary for you to avoid these 3 common post-divorce dating mistakes in order to prepare yourself for a new relationship.
Check out: useful dating tips for women
1. Think All Men Or Women Are Like Your Ex
Trusting a new woman or man once you have been hurt by your ex-wife or husband is rather hard. Nevertheless, if you do not remove this distrust towards the opposite gender, then it might destroy your own opportunity of finding someone new. In reality, this distrust usually shows up in the online dating profiles as you say something like “no head games” or “no dishonest women/men.” Once you note down those things on the profile, then you are presenting on the billboard that you are distrustful and have been have hurt.
You had better remember that most of the guys who are really dishonest or play head games will not admit to themselves that they possess these flaws. Thus, this might make it likely that they are not about to stay away from you just as you ask them to in your profile. And, even when you are in a relationship with a man or woman who is truthful and faithful, and is madly falling in love with you, you might not believe anything he or she says.
It is better for you to look at him or her as an individual and notice all of the ways your new date is different from your own ex-husband or wife. In case that you still have difficulties in trusting men or women after divorce by using your own logic, then you can release that distrust by using the so-called emotional freedom technique – EFT, involving tapping on acupressure points.
2. Getting Involved In The Rebound Relationship
In case you are lonely after a divorce, then it will be easy to get involved with someone new before you are really ready to start dating again. How do you know if that new relationship is real or if you are just simply on the rebound? Initially, you need to ask yourself if the person you are dating with has enough qualities you might want in your new long-term partner. Then, also ask yourself that do you have many in common with that person? Is the physical attraction continually blinding you to how wrong you are for each other?
In addition, you need also ask yourself that whether you are happy alone without a man or woman in your life. If, yes, then you might be ready for a new relationship. Yet, if you think you want to get involved in a new relationship as you are afraid of being alone, then your new relationship will indeed be such a rebound relationship. When you recover from your divorce and think about those lessons that you got from it, then your new love could be transformed from such a rebound relationship to a real one, as long as it is relied on more than only physical attraction.
3. Unintentionally Hold Onto Baggage
Truth is, none of us are merely blank sheets of paper. We have been hurt in the past. Therefore, the key here is to look for the ways to release the baggage so it will not get stuck within you. Actually, the majority of you might be not even aware of your own baggage.
It is the time for you to start building the internal dialogue with yourself. Just ask yourself that if you gave you enough time to be alone after your divorce to really consider about what leaded to the collapse of your marriage.
III. How To Start Dating After Divorce – 9 Tips For Men And Women
1. Psychological Readiness
This is the time you should think about doing things wrong in the previous relationship and it is time to ask yourself whether you are ready for a new relationship or not. Whether your marriage ends in peace, you also need time to heal the wounds and forget the past before having an intention of dating with other people.
2. Learn To Accept
Whether you like it or not, your own life still has to be changed; and preparing for a new beginning is something you should do. Do not miss this opportunity to gather with your best friend. Also, this is your opportunity to continue to seek potential men or women. And even if you cannot find a guy or gal, you still have a fun time with friends. Yet the more important thing is that you have begun to accept the fact and be interested in new relationships.
3. Do Not Create Pressure For Yourself
Experiencing a failed marriage and you might no longer trust in men or women too much. And, you are looking for a great husband/wife to remarry one more times in the new relationship. Nevertheless, human beings are not perfect, so you should not impose what you would expect about the characteristics of a long-term partner to make new friends. You should have an open mind to wisely choose your half again.
4. Positive Thinking
Divorce is like a huge shock in a person’s life and you have to go through it with a lot of emotions, sadness, and anger. It was not merely the loss of a relationship, but it is a loss of time and strength that the two people gave to cultivate a good long-term relationship. Yet, you should also know that any wounds will eventually heal over time.
It could be 1 week, 1 month, or 1 year. The important thing to you is to think optimistic about it because when a piece is broken, there will have a new piece to replace it and the other half will always wait for you.
5. Learn About Yourself And What You Need In Love
If it has been a long time since the last time you had a date, then after getting back your balance, you can consider yourself initially. Ask yourself some questions like: “What did you wrong in the previous marriage, what do you expect in the next long-term partner?” Just by understanding the failure of your previous marriage, recognizing the mistakes as well as experiences and the things you would expect in the future, you can go straight towards a new relationship.
6. Keep Yourself Relaxed, Not Hatred
Beginning a new relationship means that the old stories has receded into the past, but it is a mistake women are making that they are bearing the frustration of their former marriages into the new relationships. Your date will think that you still resent your former husband and can have an unfriendly look for you. Just feel confident and just mention to your past gently and comfortably, do not reveal too much angry emotions!
7. Be A Leader, Not A Hunter
A hunter is the person who follows or pursues someone else. Perhaps, it is a short-lived ego boost for the hunted one, yet ultimately not attractive as you are too easy to get. However, a leader can create value as he or she has a full life, his or her time is scarce. You will be perceived as being a challenge to get your attention and time, thereby making you much more desirable.
8. Avoid Using Your Children
You should not try to create a date with someone new just by jiggering such a “playdate” with both of your children at the park till you know that his person will be your half in the longer term. Fact is, it just creates a plan awkward for your children, and might prevent you from being the “non-dad” or “non-mom” version of yourself, which is not good, particularly when the two of you are getting to know each other. Whilst you want to see how your children will interact with your new date, make that meeting intentional and concentrated on making the children comfortable. Because it is not the case when you are getting to know and dating another person, this is the case in which “killing two birds with just one stone” is totally a bad idea.
9. Consult Your Kids
The common psychology in those children with divorced parents is that they are afraid of their parents will remarry and be not interested in them. Therefore, go ahead and remove this suspicion psychology of your children. You should explain to your children to make them understand that if you have to go a step further, it means that there will be one more person who love them.
If your relationship is going well, you can get him meeting your children to create intimacy. Happy new marriage can only build when you and the person you love and your children really love each other.
These are useful tips on how to start dating after divorce that will help you prepare yourself as well as your children for a new healthy relationship, which will be able to end by a happy marriage. Who know?
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