Healing from a betrayal is hard, but possible. So, how to recover from infidelity and divorce in a relationship? This may be one of the most concerned problems of many couples because it is estimated that at least one or both parties in 50% of most couples, married, and living together will break their vow of emotional and emotional exclusivity during the lifetime of that relationship. Well, this is true. To help you figure out the full roadmap to recover from a betrayal, this article on Vkool.com collects a general understanding about infidelity and useful steps you should follow to get over that situation.
I. How To Recover From Infidelity – Why Affairs Occur
When it comes to how to recover from infidelity and divorce, it is important for people to acknowledge the reasons behind their partner’s affair. Actually, there are different elements contributing to infidelity, and some of which are not basically about sex. This problem might origin from individual issues, like low self-esteem, sexual or alcoholism addiction. Fact is, some marital problems building for years may also fuel a betrayal. In general, an individual who betrays often:
- Experiences the attraction in terms of sexual to someone other than his/her partner. Then, they determines to follow this feeling instead of suppressing on it
- Keeps the betrayal going without saying a word by resorting to deception and lies.
- Feels a closer and stronger mental and emotional connection in such a romantic manner to someone rather than his/her official partner
- Tells his/her secrets to someone other than his/her partner about his/her own marital issues
- Promotes those unrealistic fantasies regarding someone other than his/her spouse, and overlook the opposite information
II. How To Recover From Infidelity – 15 Useful Steps
1. Realize That You Are In Shock
Initially, this is the stage in which you are plainly in disbelief. This is common. You could not comprehend that your partner has been emotionally or physically intimate with another person, and that your partner was going out of his or her way to seek and make time with this person. In this phase, you accidentally recognize that many things in your reality are not true. Even, you feel as if you are in a dense fog whilst trying to figure out what is going on and deciding if it is a bad dream or not.
2. Simply Accept Your Feelings
Betrayal exists in different forms, ranging in different situations. Unfortunately, these situations could force victims to experience a wide range of those negative emotions. They are confusion, sadness, anger, and many others. To learn how to recover from infidelity in a relationship fast, you should learn to accept your emotions. Stop denying. Do conceal your own grief as it is really normal to cope with negative emotions in life. Once you acknowledge your emotions, you will have more opportunities to rethink and get out of this “bad dream” quickly.
3. Take Your Anger Under Control
It is said that anger is a slow killer of both the human physical and mental fitness. This emotion could steal your own happiness and promote negative thinking. Holding on to anger is likely holding a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at the other person. In reality, you are also the one who gets burned. So, you need to take anger under your control and suppress the want to take revenge on your partner or the person that hurts you. Controlling your anger will help you avoid stupid actions that you may regret later on.
4. Balance your anger with the need for information
You might want to scream out and cry, but this might prevent you from getting the truth. To get the truth, you should be compassionate about your partner’s emotions. In fact, the only way to get your partner telling the truth and answer your questions is not to lash out and attack every time. Once you could do so, you will ask about the things you concern. How long did the affair last? Was it sexual / physical? It there any risk of a pregnancy or STD?
5. Do Not Ask About The Details You Do Not Need To Know
Some people often ask their partner to compare themselves to the person that their partner had an affair with. Or, people might want to know about the sexual encounters. The advice is, stop doing that. Just keep your focus on the relationship, not the affair parent.
6. Take It Easy
The next step on how to recover from infidelity or divorce is to take it easy. Stop crying and do not avoid communicating with your partner or anyone else. You should give yourself a certain amount of time to grieve before encouraging yourself that it is time to move on. By this way, you will clear negative thoughts and emotions. It is much easier for people to take lucid decisions as they are reasonable and calm. Furthermore, you still need time to think and recognize what to do next.
7. Do Not Decide
Did you know that when people in a bad mood, they often make “stupid” decisions? Before choosing to divorce or continue your relationship, you had better take time to heal yourself and understand the real reason behind the betrayal. When you learn the lessons, you will prevent further potential problems in the future.
8. Be Honest
Once you get over the stage of being shocked, you should discuss what occurred honestly and openly, no matter how hard talking or hearing about the infidelity might be. In other words, one of the most critical steps in dealing with betrayal recovery is telling the partner about your own pain as well as emotions. By explaining to him/her that he/she has hurt you and you are experiencing tough times at that moment. Keep yourself safe and avoid scandals as it might even worsen your emotional health. Also, you need to learn some communication tips to make your conversations better. On the other hand, you should let your partner become aware of his/her actions and feel the responsibility for this difficult situation.
9. Setting Realistic Goals
Actually, this is the point when you need to figure out if you will be able to continue your present relationship. Obviously, the re-built relationship will never be the same as the original one. Do you feel the comfortable that you will be able to trust your partner again and not chasing them every day to ask some questions or give comments on their affair? If you feel that time can heal your pain of being betrayal, then you should move on in the realistic goal of your relationship.
10. Do Things You Love
You should try replacing your grief with those positive thoughts and emotions. To do so, you need to create positive atmosphere around you in order to get out of the constant reminders of the negativity. A suggestion is to watch fun or action movies, or go out with your best friends or other family members. By this way, you will draw yourself from annoying negative thoughts and experience new adventurous and happiness that you might not discover before.
11. Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a critical part of the human emotional growth. This hard step on how to recover from infidelity in a relationship will assist you in moving on and eliminating your mind of anger and hatred. Forgiveness, in fact, is the attribute of the strong. Though it is difficult to forgive when you are hurt, you should try to change your life for better. Do not let your unhappy past poison your presence. Nothing is impossible. And, bear in mind that forgiveness does not mean overlooking or discounting what happened.
12. Do Not Forgive Too Easily And Quickly
This tip on how to recover from infidelity seems to be counteractive to the previous one. However, there is no contradiction here. Though you learned to forgive, it does not mean you will forgive right away. You must grapple with your pain and anger first and rebuild trust.
13. Forgive Just When You Are Really Ready
Trust me, you will never forget an infidelity, but the painful memories will fade over time. Forgiveness will help you reconcile with your spouse. Nevertheless, you just take this step only if you feel ready to let go all the negative thoughts and emotions, if your partner becomes totally honest and has taken the real steps to regain your trust.
14. Consider Shared Goals
It may take time to sort out what’s occurred and to analyze whether your relationship could heal. If two of you share a goal of reconciliation, then, healing your relationship will take energy, time and commitment as well.
15. Practice Gratitude
No matter what occurred, returning to gratitude will help you set the groundwork for the positive transformation. In case you feel despair, then you should take a moment for concentrating on appreciation. Just consider everything you really appreciate about your partner. After several minutes of doing so, notice what have just changed within you.
16. Build A Vision Of The Past And The Future
Basically, one of the most effective ways that people can heal from infidelity is to think back to their first meet. Think of the reason why you felt in love each other, what your relationship look liked back then. After that, think of the future that two of you wanted together, like enjoying the golden years of retirement or playing with grandchildren, travelling, enjoying happy family activities. Developing the pictures of these things will help you balance your mood and think lucidly.
17. Restore Trust With Each Other
Fact is, even if there was no sex, emotional infidelity could be just as important and devastating as physical infidelity. The emotional betrayal is still intimate. Both people are fantasizing and flirting about each other, sharing deep secrets, and bonding on a personal level. It will easily lead to a physical betrayal. So, to reestablish trust, both partners have to be 100% committed to doing the necessary work for fixing the marriage, if essential. Therapy is a great idea. Two of you can go to counseling together in order to confirm your commitment to the marriage and easily prevent secrecy from continuing to erode that relationship.
18. Find support
If you feel disoriented, then you can find support from your family or friends. And, even finding a support group to take part in could also help you feel less isolated.
In other words, you can seek professional help from a licensed therapist who has been trained in marital therapy as well as experienced in handling with infidelity. These marriage counselors could help you put the betrayal into perspective, address problems that may have contribute to your partner’s affair, acknowledge how to reestablish and strengthen your current relationship and also avoid splitting up. Often, medication is helpful, yet talking and understanding the situation is imperative. Only then, you could get past this hard point and build a stronger relationship.
19. Launch A Better-Than-Ever Relationship
The next tip on how to recover from infidelity is to launch a new built, better-than-ever relationship. If possible, you should take a relationshipeducation course that begins by helping you recognize the weak areas of your marriage and then strengthens them for happier future. The stronger your skills of communicating with each other about sensitive problems are, the less likely you might let the rage lead to fights or resentments.
20. Create New Monogamy Agreement
A new monogamy agreement will help you get rid of all the unspoken expectations that resulted in the infidelity and hurt that you feel now. To do so, you can rewrite your agreement to contain everything that the two of you might find valuable for the future. With this new vision, your relationship will be built again. It is not a manner to go back to your old relationship, yet rather a manner to build a new partnership based on such a mutual understanding of what will work for the two of you.
21. Find A New Self
After considering if you should continue that relationship or not, you should know that without your partner, you will be able to recover and be okay as well. It takes time and effort, but you will become a more positive person. During this process, you should do a bit of soul searching to find out if there was anything you can do differently to strengthen your relationship. Becoming overly dependent on your partner or too needy is not a good thing. So, you need to create hobbies, develop interests and friends of your own. By that way, if your relationship is not as happy as your expectations, you will have a cushion to fall down on. On the other hand, if it works out, you will use your own experience to help other people and your personal growth as well. There are lots of things you will learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship after recovering from an affair. Thus, remember that which does not kill us will make us much stronger.
These 21 helpful ways on how to recover from infidelity hopefully could help you overcome the hard times of your relationship, allow you to build new stronger and happier one, and also establish a healthy Relationships. In case you want to comment on any aspect of this “How To Recover From Infidelity”writing, feel free to drop your words below this post. We appreciate your contribution and will reply all soon.